Oh god.
Posted on Saturday, May 31, 2014 at 8:52 PM
Everything started with....... The december trip to Thailand. Oh before this trip i was fine. I was free. I hated commitment. My life was all about having fun with no strings attached. And all this is due to my good ol' friend J who, er, 'showed me the ropes'.
Now i've known for a long while that i've had an inferiority complex. Let's just say the december trip for me was.... Subpar. An orgy of horrible decisions ( no not in the literal sense. Oh god no). So when i returned to singapore, i was at a low, thinking 'this trip was horrible urgh'. And well for J though...... Boom. He got a girlfriend, M. And by god she was awesome, perfect for him. And he wasted no time in reminding me about it constantly. And that's when my inferiority complex went bonkers. Kaboom. It hit me. I want to have a girlfriend. Someone permanent. Someone i can share hopes and dreams with, someone i can actually care about truthfully. Bear in mind, at this point, i am apeshit desperate for a girlfriend and would settle with just about anyone.
Now. Assuming anyone's still reading this blog after months of inactivity, this next part is gonna make me sound disgustingly superficial. I do not deny it. I was, to put it lightly, 'pretty fucked up'. I might have changed (more on that in a while) but back then i was a jerkoff, an asshole, whatever. Anyway.
In the thailand trip, i ran into 3 girls. C, G and K. Now for a little backstory:
C was a hookup i had back in august. Well not exactly a hookup, we kinda liked each other but i forgot to get her number before i left.
G was C's best friend. She was with this other friend of mine. Kinda cute but pretty old. Close to her 30s.
And K. When i went to thailand in december, the first few days i had no idea where C went or how to find her. By chance, i met K. She was cute. We started to hit it off. BUT i forgot to get her number too. (Lol)
Anyway, as fate would have it, the last day in thailand i finally met C. But by god she was different. Okay imma just put it straightforward. She got fat. Like really fat. And she seemed pretty disinterested in anything i've got to say. Typically, it'd be a turnoff but well, i was blinded by the joy of finally finding her after so long (4 months approx) that i took her number down. Of course, this means i turned down K.
Fast forward to post december trip. So there was J, showing off and bragging about how he's found the girl of his dreams. And me? All i've got is the number of a girl who's old and fat. (once again i apologise) I felt horrible. Like, 'why can't i have something like him?' Sure it sounds childish now but back then i had no idea what i was thinking. So in my desperation, i pulled a move so asshole-ish, hitler would he proud. I asked C for G's number claiming that my friend has a crush on G when in actuality i was gonna hit on G. Long story short, plan failed, i gave up.
At that point, it occured to me. There's still K. That's when i asked M, J's girlfriend to get me her number. We talked, hit it off really well and i started to have serious feelings for her. Soon after, we started a relationship.
Well at first it was great. She's cute, she's funny, she's interesting. Only problem, i had nothing in common eith her. She's oftentimes so busy with work we'd be taking for like, 2 minutes each day. It was a relationship doomed to fail. I just didn't see it yet.
Then one day, 21st january. Poof. She disappeared. Just vanished. No replies, no picking my calls, nothing. It's like she just vanished into thin air. I was devasted. But i got over it pretty fast because, well, it was probably lust that made me intrested in her in the first place as, well, she is pretty hot.
Anyway, after the whole thing with K is done, i was about to go on a dry spell when J one day asked me 'hey M has a pretty cute friend, would you like to get her number?'
Naturally i jumped at the opportunity.
Now this. This is the one relationship that broke me. Made it necessary for me to write down everything to let me collect my thoughts. Let's just call her S.
After getting her number, we started talking. To be honest, when i first saw her, she wasn't particularly pretty, cute or hot or any of that superficial nonsense. She looked normal. Typical, so when i first started talking to her, i had no intention of ever starting so much as a hookup with her.
Time passed, i realised me and her? We had more in common than i thought. Never have i found it so easy to stay awake throughout the night, wasting away all my mobile data just to video call her. Never have i felt so much concern for someone, felt so connected. On 14 february, i asked her to be my girlfriend. She agreed.
Now the next couple of months were bliss. Typical 'falling in love' stuff. I have to admit it's been so long since i've felt this way, not since may last year. So the plan was for me to finally meet her in April during Songkran. So in preparation of that i worked like hell. Well, i did pull that trip off. But the trip. Oh how eventful it was.
The first few days after i met her were awesome. Finally after so long, i have a relationship i could call my own. And well, that was probably the first time i said i loved someone and truly meant it.
And then came the 4th day. Now S, she used to work as a club girl until one day a korean customer offered her a job as a secretary and in addition offered to pay for her condominium and university fees. Against all logic, she accepted it. Naturally i did not know about it. As luck would have it, the korean guy found out about me while i was there in thailand. Drama erupted. One thing led to another, and i came back to singapore broken hearted.
After this relationship, a change occured within me. I grew tired of flings and hookups, they just felt meaningless, i began to genuinely desire something serious, something real. Sadly though, it became a full on obsession at one point. I began to look for relationships in the wrong places. Long story short, from april til now, i was a in a relationship with a 27 year old with a 2 year old kid, and now currently on the rocks with a girl working at a thai disco, who, btw i have spent close to 300 dollars on, and who is currently ignoring/ angry at me. Now i'm lying on my bed, typing all these with my phone, my arm still bearing the scratch marks from a fight i had to break up last night, my head still hurting like a bitch from the alcohol last night. Which is the night i made out with a tranny in a drunken stupor.
I guess the real reason i'm writing this is that i have no idea what i want from relationships anymore. I had written all these in the hopes that maybe some sense might come out of it but apparently not.
I don't know why but i just feel so broken.
Rise From The Ashes!!!!!
Posted on Wednesday, November 6, 2013 at 5:07 PM
Anyways, applause and confetti galore, coz i'm back baby
First of all, an obligatory birthday post to yours truly. Happy twentieth you animal.
Anyway, in the in the interests of lengthening this post and also feeding my inexplicable boredom, i believe an account of the events these past 2 years is in order. So pack your bags kids, and all aboard the crazy train!
'Relevant'
Oh and god forbid i'll just skip the mundane talk on national service coz honestly, i believe we've all heard enough and gotten sick to the stomachs with the talk on camp life and cookhouse food and field camps and ya de da di da
Moving on.
Well, these two years have been rather.... Eventful. Yes. And educational. Extremely educational. On to that in a bit.
Now, a shot of Alison Brie. Damnn she's gorgeous~
Alright. Where was i?
Ah yes. Educational. Quite abit i've learnt about life. Well see, out of sheer curiosity, i've constantly gotten myself knee-deep in crazy after crazy. From dating a crazy schizophrenic to nearly getting (voluntarily) raped by a transvestite with a blindfold fetish (look i didn't know she was a tranny at the time for god's sake) to be nearly force-fed ecstasy pills to waking up at 630am right beside my toilet seat with no memory of the night before. And from all there're two important things i've learnt.
Desperation ain't cool. And washing down whisky with champagne may seem like a good idea at 3am but u gon' regret it.
On desperation:
Yes, desperation can kill. Gone untreated, it fucks your mind up real bad and makes you do stuff so unthinkable you gon' beat yourself up over it years-heck- months down the road. Sure, everybody gets lonely. But when you're to the neck in desperation, your brain sorta shuts you off to signs that the prospective partner in question is more akin to the stalker-psycho-murderer you see next door. Or a heartbreaking asshole.
Psycho-stalker-murderer
So, PSA: curb your desperation. Go invest your time in something you love. Catch up with your old friends. Get a cat.
Stay off social networking sites. Life is fun, don't make it unbearable 👊😁
Aye that's it for now. But yeah what with all the crazy batshit i've dealt with, i regret nothing. S'been a good year :)
And now, another shot of Alison Brie
Dave Franco you lucky son-'a-bitch
PS: oh god just read all my old blog posts and jeez i never realised how cute i was back then lolomgosh
a levels and stuffs
Posted on Thursday, November 10, 2011 at 5:43 PM
Hmm... anyway something long overdue...
Happy Birthday! To me! hahaha.
Okay this year's bdae is possibly one of the best ever.
I still can't believe you guys actually went and bought Arkham City for me! woah thanks, seriously.
Although... a card from her would have been nice. But ah no matter, the 11:57 pm message is already one of the best presents she could give. And she also paid for the arkham city! must be pretty ex....
Ah anyway, all the best to me, it's jsut maths paper 1, there's still paper 2 for me to salvage my A!!! Yeah, motivation aww right.
Birthday
Posted on Friday, November 4, 2011 at 1:11 AM
End of another school.
Posted on Monday, October 24, 2011 at 9:48 PM
Hmm it's only times like this when you know precisely how much you mean to others. Some would rather not be associated with you, thinking that you're very much a loser-moron. Why bother making ties with someone which you have no use for? It'd only be a waste of time right? Wow.
That, of course, applies to those whose intentions are plain transparent. There's also the few.... Where you never know.
Yesterday.... I'm not sure why that mood swing came about, or was that even a mood swing at all? The hostility at the beginning is.... Depressing, to say the least. No seriously, what's going on inside of your head?
Will i ever ever know? Right now... i'm not sure if I should be optimistic or pessimistic.
Hmm... All Right.
Now I'm gonna try something now. The law of attraction. Since as long as i want it bad enough, i will get it right? Okay. Right now, I will say this again. I want her to be my girlfriend.
Sure hope this works. I'll be hoping it works.
Yeah, right now, she's just experiencing the exam blues. Yeah.
Thoughts
Posted on Thursday, October 6, 2011 at 11:59 PM
Hahaha #foreveralone much.
oh wells, here i am again, nearing the end of another journey, however horribly cliched that sounds.
Hmm okay i keep saying tpjc sucks and all that rubbish but to tell the truth.... I sort of like it here. I mean sure, the results are atrocious, the discipline's half-arsed, the environment etcetc ( i could do this all day) but hmm, i'm starting, or rather, have started to appreciate the good things this school have offered me, however limited it may be.
Hmm just 40+ days til the end of A levels. And that means i finally can stop holding it all in anymore. Then, i shall see if i made the right choice all along.
2 months ago was paradise. 3 weeks ago was hell. Now it's limbo. Will paradise ever come again?
Until the very end, i will Not give up. Never
Lol btw, to a certain someone, stop giving the expression which makes it ever so tempting to punch you. Trust me, i'm tempted.
Urgh
Posted on Monday, September 5, 2011 at 1:30 AM
I've never met someone with such a charming personality and cute. These make you all the more beautiful.....
Please be my girl :(
I'm really confused. By what you're doing at all. You never ever initiate conversations. And yet when i text you even the lamest things, you don't seem irritated and just keep the conversation flowing at least for a while. Are you just being friendly and nice or do you like me? I'm pretty damn sure you know thatf i like you now. Sigh, why won't you give a sign......?